How the Dutch do birthdays

And why I'm a day late

Apr 10, 2021

Dear reader,

First of all, I’d like to apologize for being a day late with this letter. I have a good excuse, though: yesterday was my birthday. It follows, then, that today’s letter has to be about birthdays, and how the Dutch celebrate them.

Congratulations

The Dutch use the same word for birthdays, anniversaries or any sort of achievement: they say “Gefeliciteerd!”, which translates as “Congratulations!”

A pattern that I have never gotten used to is who they direct this toward: of course the birthday boy or girl gets congratulated, but so does everyone else around them. When my husband has his birthday, friends will congratulate him, then turn to me and congratulate me, then our son, and then any other friend who happens to be present.

I’ve always wondered what that meant. Are they congratulating me for making it through another year with him? When my kids were small and had their birthdays, it made perfect sense to me: I deserved congratulations for making it through, for example, my son’s colic in his first year or tantrums in his third year or the constant shopping I had to do to feed him in his teen years.

But this congratulating is indiscriminate, and seems to just mean “Congratulations for being part of this person’s life!”

Celebrations

Dutch people celebrate their birthday with at least a cake that’s called taart, but, to American eyes, the cake looks more like a pie. It’s usually store-bought, and it’s filled with a pudding-like cream.

Children have birthdays much like children in the US do, with games and such, or an outing to an indoor gym or zoo or laser gaming or whatever. They are expected to tracteren at school: bring a treat in for their classmates and all the teachers at the school. Adults also tracteren for their birthday: they bring small pastries or similar for their colleagues at work.

Adults throw small parties for themselves too, inviting friends and family over. When guests arrive at the designated time – and being fashionably late isn’t a thing here – they hand over a small gift (flowers, a bottle of wine or a book are common gifts), and congratulate the person whose birthday it is. Guests and host exchange kisses on both cheeks, and then the guests get ushered into the living room. It might be a patio or yard, if the weather is good.

There, they sit, usually in a circle of chairs, with the other friends and family. The person whose birthday it is does all the work, handing out pieces of taart – which he or she has provided – and offering drinks or cups of coffee, jumping up and refilling as needed. Sometimes there are small snacks on the table – bits of sausage or blocks of cheese – that get handed around the circle.

The problem with this kind of “party” is that you sit in the circle and you get stuck. If the people sitting on either side of you are fun, interesting sorts, that’s not a problem. Sometimes, though, you’re out of luck: sitting between two people who just don’t have much to say or, worse yet, smell bad.

On “big” birthdays, people will sometimes hold a bigger event: hiring a band, for example, and a caterer, and inviting far more people. I’ve been to quite fancy birthday parties in hired venues like restaurants, where the nibbles added up to full meals.

Share Letters from Holland

Abraham and Sarah

The biggest parties are for 50th birthdays, and the Dutch have some more specific traditions attached to turning 50. When a person reaches 50, he is said to have “seen Abraham.” This comes from the New Testament John 8:56-57, when Jesus says: “Your father Abraham rejoiced to see My day, and he saw it and was glad.” And the Jews ask: “You are not yet fifty years old, and have You seen Abraham?”

Abraham lived to very wise old age, so this is a commentary, essentially, on the great age and wisdom of the 50-year-old. Until the mid-20th century, both men and women were said to have seen Abraham, but then the Sarah image was added.

Traditionally, this age and wisdom was marked with special gifts, particularly an Abraham or Sarah-shaped figure made of bread or, later, cake. Nowadays, the occasion involves huge Abraham or Sarah spice cookies, or a giant blow-up Abraham or Sarah is placed in the person’s yard. Friends might prepare speeches about the “Abraham” or “Sarah” or perform songs or skits.

When these traditions started, turning 50 really did mark the beginning of old age. Today it’s become more of an occasion for some good-natured teasing, making fun of the person’s supposedly ripe old age.

My birthday

I’ve never adapted well to any of these traditions. I still - 23 years after arriving in the Netherlands - forget to congratulate the spouse or other family. I’ve always made an American-style cake for myself and for the kids, though my husband prefers taart. I don’t generally invite people over. If anyone comes, that’s fine, and I offer them cake and coffee. But I don’t want to spend my birthday running around serving coffee to a roomful of people. I just don’t want a big deal.

On my “big” birthdays I do something special. I celebrated my 50th with my husband and son on a scuba-diving vacation in Bonaire. I’ll do something similar on my 60th, I’m sure. Much less fuss and much more fun.

And this year, of course, all parties are cancelled. So my birthday yesterday passed quietly with my husband and son. I did some freelance work, answered e-mails and chatted on the phone with a few friends. I didn’t want to bake myself a cake, so we ate a pre-ordered one that I picked up yesterday morning. We enjoyed a multi-course dinner ordered from a fancy French restaurant. That’s it. It was perfect.

How do you celebrate your birthdays?

Letters from Holland